Pat, oh Pat...

pats
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

There is nothing that makes me more wierdly interested than when the religious right gets wacky - if we can, in good conscience, refer to calling for the murder or a world leader as "wacky".

Why oh why are my fellow Christians so idiotic? Are we reading the same Bible? Are we praying to the same God?

This reminds me of a bumper sticker that I adore - even though I don't put it on my car just in case...well, in case of whatever. The sticker says:

Jesus loves you.
But I'm His favorite.

If you have an interest in writing that is scripturally sound, socially liberal and extremely funny check out The Wittenburg Door.

ADD-A-ROOM!!

Standardroom
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

My dear friend Lady Chardonnay in her oh so clever way brought up a subject mysterious to her - the add-a-room. Us hardcore campers all know what this is - a sort of tent that you put on the front of your camper to...wait for it...ADD a ROOM to your camper.

The reason she brings this up is because I sold my mother's trailer to some nice people having told them that there was an a-a-r (some times we cool campers are so blase that we abbreviate) when there is, in fact, not. This would have added nearly a thousand dollars to the price. Whoopsie!

Hopefully the kind (and probably by now really really pissed) buyers will stumble upon this - my favorite science article ever- and it will make them laugh and therefore not try to come and find me with baseball bats to break my kneecaps.

Maybe I will fond a forum like this to post my shame at my pathetic salespersonship.

Campy-Camperwoman

IM004635
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

Wondering where I was? This is where I lived for the past 3 weeks. It was really fun. My children got filthy and ran amok like savages. I sat in the shade and read dozens of books. It was lovely.

The fine coating of mold that began to grow on us and all our belongings has been scraped off and we are back to normal.

This week is sit on my butt and do nothing week because next week is teach 13 middle schoolers to write, perform and produce a comedy show camp. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Here is a bit of the funniest writing I have read for awhile. It is the blog of Quinn Cummings. You remember her from "The Goodbye Girl" and "Family". She is very, very funny. Enjoy.

forgive the child story

wilbur
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

As we were driving [Fred] home from orchestra practice I made a hand gesture like I was honking a rubber horn. [Fred] became horrified as only a 12 year old can. "Mom that's so RUDE!" I could not for the life of me figure out what was so rude. So I did the gesture again trying to find the rudeness. But I could not. "Mom, PLEASE! People can see you!" Yet our fellow motorists managed to maneuver their vehicles around us without being struck blind with the shame.

Finally light dawned. "Just tell me what it is."

"I can't in front of [Will]-"

"Okay, so it is about b-o-o-b-i-e-s?" I spelled quickly.

"What about boobies?" yelled [Will] from the back seat.

Yes, my child who can not read and refuses to even go as far as c-a-t spells "cat" can spell boobies with no trouble. I now refer to him as the idiot savant of body parts.

And in case the suspense is killing you - it was, in fact, the boobie-squeezing-ness of the motion that was causing the distress. I am so foul its amazing I'm allowed out in polite society.

clutter

IM004523
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I have no earthly idea why I uploaded this picture to my flick account. All I can say is that I do vaguely remember that mason jar as having a healthy splash of burbon in it. Things always seem more interesting after a splash of burbon.

I haven't posted in awhile because - well, I am caught up in political intrigue. I have been watching The West Wing (even as I type this the stirring yet comforting theme song is playing in my head) on DVD. My completely awesome father in law let me borrow it before he had even watched it!

Also, I have been reading a perfectly wonderful book only to find that - of course - Hillary read it first!

All my television shows are over and so is school. I just learned that I will be painfully underemployed this summer. Looks like I just may have time to read after all.

k.e.n.

ken
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I am so very very happy and I will tell you why. It has nothing to do with what everyone else has their panties in a twist about but rather - MY JOB IS SAFE!

My town was going to cut K-8 librarians thus leaving my job at the mercy of any claim-jumping book-rounder who wanted it. Seniority sucks - until I have it, of course... Anyway - the school department decided they couldn't run the libraries without librarians. A novel and forward thinking idea. So I breathe more easily.

You may be curious as to why Ken is featured in his rockin' bicentennial gear in the accompanying photo... My beloved, (I am stealing that from Guusje [and also every poet that ever put pen to paper] because she has a skippy new blog format.) after having taken a gander at my bosom (after a meal that I ate perhaps a bit too enthusiastically) noticed that I tend to, well, drop food on my boobs. So he decided that, in an effort to conserve water and SHOUT stain remover I should only eat when naked.

You may think that a more sensible solution would be to, say. eat at a table instead of in front of the television like Neanderthals (who, if they did have television, would surely have eaten in front of it). Or maybe I could learn to take human bites. Or eat only bite sized foods.

But no, nudity is the first resort of the scoundrel. And much preferable to my beloved than the first. But I digress.

So he thought for a few minutes, I thought maybe he dozed off and I was going to eat the rest of my slop in peace when he got a little smile on his face and said, "Everyone should be naked." Then he declared that he was going to create a new movement called "Keep Everyone Naked" or K.E.N.

But then yesterday morning when my mom was visiting and he was going to go downstairs to the shower, he hid until she was out of sight because he was nakie-pants. So I think he really meant "Keep Everyone ELSE Naked". Which is, of course, K.E.E.N.

Copycat-

IM004522.jpg
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

Yes, I am a copycat. I have completely stolen Hillary's cool, discrete half-headed portrait. Except, unlike her I am unable to get it to sit nicely in my profile area. If anyone knows how to do this, feel free to enlighten me.

Hillary was also kind (and creative) enough to put me in the tree in the Ebba-fairy-poo-land picture from my last post. But flickr would not allow me to upload it. Apparently they don't think I DESERVE to be a tree sprite in Ebba-fairy-poo-land.

But they are wrong.

I several hours at Chuck E. Cheese today. I am not one of those parents who downtalk the place. Where else in the world can you. for $30, eat pizza and completely ignore even the very youngest of children knowing that if you have a little plastic cup of coins, they will surely find you eventually? And in the south they serve beer at Chuckie's! It must be paradise there...

So about this picture - my smaller son took this. He's only 7, but he has a love of photography. And cooking. And smacking himself on the hinder when he dances.

My older son, who is 11, went to see Paper Clips with a friend yesterday. I was curious to see what he though of it. I was prepared to have a real heart to heart about man's inhumanity to man and that sort of thing. Instead he gave me a 10 minute diatribe about how documentaries are not his thing. I guess I am relieved in one respect. I was worried about how he would react to a movie about the holocaust. But I am also concerned that he didn't "get it". He knows that Nazis were bad (from Indiana Jones movies and yes - my children do learn everything from television, thanks for asking...) but I think maybe he doesn't understands that it really happened. Would I be a bad mother if I rented "Life is Beautiful" and watched it with him?

And as long as you are giving advice, maybe you can tell me what the piece of skin that is between the nostrils is called. Is there a name for it? And is there some inexpensive day surgery I could have done? Mine appears to be sagging as much as other parts of my body. Shameful...

Ebba-fairy-poo-land.

ebba-fairy-poo-cartoon
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I desperatly was hoping to cut and paste my own face to this strange little picture, but I lack the skill and the time. But I post it in hopes that you will enjoy happy daydreams of yourself in Ebba-fairy-poo-land. You do not even want to know what I was looking for when I found this. And if you are my friend Jen you really REALLY don't want to know. Suffice to say, I was shown the most horrifying sight of my life this week and I have watched myself give birth AND attended an Air Supply concert so I know whereof I speak. I was trying to exact revenge on the person who showed me the website of horror when I stumbled on Ebba and she just cleansed my soul and made me want to live again.

Other things that are making me as happy as a pig in... well, as happy as a pig are the following blogs. Mr. Nice Guy writes about the impending birth of his child, among other things. So funny that I lose control and howl. I have heard of Mimi Smarty Pants before but never read her until yesterday. Why do I find it funny when people are snarky about obnoxious children? Even yesterday when my own little spawn was practically pole dancing at his soccer game (he was playing defense and was bored, what else would you expect?) and the man sitting next to me said to his wife, "There's nothing more disturbing than a spanky-ass-dancing seven year old." and I thought, "Too true..."

Speaking of the disturbing, I went to see Sin City last night. It was far more disturbing than any movie I have ever seen - but also absolutely amazing. I did not sleep easy last night. Mickey Roarke was amazing. And I can't stand the guy. There was an interesting article about him in Rolling Stone. Apparently he is "repentant".

The final thing I leave you with is a bit of religious fundamentalism I can really get behind.

Blessings to you from Sibling Gatling Gun of Love and Mercy.

This is your brain on wood...

woodcut brain copy 3 copy
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I like this brain very much. It is a reminder that I do in fact have one, although the evidence of that is in short supply. I feel like lately I am on a toboggan made of fruit roll-ups careening down a mountain of molten lava. But I suspect that will end as soon as I finish this last semester of school and the end of the school year. I so look forward to normalcy. And that is my obligatory excuse for not writing in this blog for over a month. Believe me - in June you will be thinking "Can't you just shut the hell up for ONE DAY??" Trust me...

But that is not why I am writing - I received a MeMe from Guusje. And since I love the topic - I am going to send it along. Incidentally, Guusje is the first of my friends to start a blog and the first to send me a MeMe. Thanks Guusje!

So here it is:
Book MeMe

You are stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Since I have no ability to memorize at all it would probably be best for everyone if I was "Pat the Bunny" or if I am feeling like a challange, "Good-Night Moon". But if I were thinking of a book I would hate to see disappear I would choose Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" and/or Margaret Atwood's "Handmaid's Tale". Because I both love Jesus and am terrified of people who claim to love him and are planning to destroy our country in His name. Freaks. (Yes, I do express my political opinions with all the clarity and eloquence of a nine year old.)

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Of course! I love Tony Markham from the Betsy-Tacy books by Maud Hart Lovelace and Remus Lupin from the Harry Potter books. Also Master Jervie Pendleton from "Daddy Long Legs". So I guess these crushes were more in my younger days. Now I have no crushes on anyone but El Guapo - my beloved - man among men - man above all other men - washer of dishes - fertilizer of lawns - poster of comments. (There, that ought to hold him for awhile...)

Last book(s) you read:
"Bloody Jack" by L.A. Meyer - story of an orphan girl in 1800 or so who disguises herself as a boy and goes off to sea with the Royal Navy. Ripping good fun.
The new Robert Parker "Cold Service". I suppose I could have a crush on Spenser if he weren't so concerned with everything his girlfriend eats and so dismissive of fat ladies. But he is heroic.

What are you currently reading?
"Curse of the Blue Tattoo" the sequal to "Bloody Jack". Also "Anastasia Again" because I never read the Anastasia books. And I was going to give Augustin Burroughs' "Running With Scissors" a try because I loved "Magical Thinking" so much - but I keep putting it aside for things like "Promoting Writing and Research Using the I-Search Method" and Us Magazine.

Five books you would take to a desert island?
This depends on how long I am going to be on the island. If it is just for a few weeks I would just take what I like and read it over and over. But if I am there for ages I should go for quantity. I will assume it is the latter and choose:
1. The complete Maud Hart Lovelace - all the Betsy Tacy books plus Carney, Winona and Emily bound into one volume. Not published yet, but I am sure it will be before I hit the mythical Island.
2. The complete Harry Potter - all 7 (or more if we should be so lucky) see above.
3. The complete Shakespeare - with notes so I understand what the hell I am reading.
4. The 12 volume library of the funniest things ever written including the complete works of Mark Twain, David Sedaris, Peg Bracken and Haven Kimmel and others. Yep - I dream big.
5. The Bible - you know I have to...

But realistically the five books I never tire of are:
Gone to Soldiers by Marge Piercy
Betsy and Joe by Maud Hart Lovelace
A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
and
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
I will send it first to Hillary because she is my inspiration. Then to this very funny, articulate woman from my favorite listserv who as far as I can see doesn't list her first name on her blog so I will respect her anonymity. And Beth who is quite free and loose with the giving out of her first name.

And there you have my blog entry for the month of April. See you in May!

Plant Fruit Not Bombs!

fruit
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

Here is a little pyramid that I fashioned out of the fruit my children do not eat. I apoligize for the unsightly scar on the plum - I think it recently had a C section.

So onto the news. This morning as I was turning on the computer I heard an announcement - "Will all staff please report to the auditorium." So I went in to learn that we were all going home thanks to a bomb threat that had thoughtfully been left on the school answering machine. We were to get kids to their first period class and there would be an announcement to leave. I went into the library and told Jan to get her boys and get out of the building. She, naturally, was freaked out - as I would have been if I had kids in the building. I felt strangely calm, though. As a matter of fact - as Ann (who I kept calling Deb, because I am stupid) and I were finally leaving the building - I was thinking, "If I were watching me in a movie the footage of me meandering to the door would be intercut with footage of a timer running out and I would be pounding on my spouses leg yelling through my gritted teeth - 'would you PLEASE get you fat ass out of that building before you BLOW UP!'" But I did not. Blow up, that is.

So we have a big meeting before school tomorrow and once again, I have to rearrange the entire library schedule for a missed day. Wah... Between snow and bombs, I will be watching the fourth of July fireworks from the library roof.

Combat Zone Hooker meets Girls School Library

outstanding library
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

So I went to visit my dear friend Alice at the very prestigious library which is her empire. She works at a very exclusive girls school which I shall call Eastland.

Here is what they have at Eastland:

-brilliant students who are pleasant, well spoken and destined to rule the world

-a library that makes me want to cry just looking at it because every high schooler should have such tremendous resources at their disposal (and that includes Alice)

-devoted creative faculty (along with a couple of humor impaired Ichobod Crane looking Yankee snobs with names like Paisley and Scrod who if I were a better person I would not even mention)

-lunches that were cooked in heaven and sent down to earth on angel wings

Here is what they do NOT have at Eastland:

-frosted hair

-excess body mass

I saw one other large woman and I felt like giving her a big hug. Of course she was far better dressed than me and had that clanky Indian jewelry that we fat girls sometimes use to distract people from the fact that we never pass up a chocodile.

So when I sashayed into the four star restaurant that passes for a cafeteria with Alice (who was in "wasp drag" to celebrate my visit) I felt much like the aforementioned Combat zone hooker.

So to get over my feelings of library envy (and speaking of envy I should mention here that Alice has the cutest house, best book collection, and best DVD collection - in addition to being famous, highbrow and having a killer rack!) I have posted the FUNNIEST BOOK RELATED SITE EVER!!!y
Well, maybe not ever, but it is pretty damn funny.

Librarian

librarian
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I got the job! I am a high school librarian! Exclamation points can't possibly be enough to express my joy.

So this means that I will never again have a chance to write in this blog. Full time grad student, full time library teacher, full time mom. Yep - I am busy enough...

I have been reading Nicholson Baker who wrote the best dirty book I ever read. And that is fairly unnerving to admit in public. But he also writes about libraries. (This picture is dedicated to parts of the aforementioned book as well as my own favorite place to make out as a teenager.) I was assigned to read a few articles for my cataloging class. I was a little thrown until I learned the only kinky obsession in those articles was pretty tame.

I am in the midst of reading YEAR OF WONDERS by Geraldine Brooks and am finding it to be very moving. My spouse is amazed that I am reading something plague related because every time he goes to his favorite website and tries to tell me about it I plug my ears and chant "I'm not listening to you! I'm not listening to you!"

And I went to what I imagine will be the last movie I see for awhile. A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT *** which was quite good despite the fact that every man in the cast seemed to have an enormous mustache. I also have seen:
MILLION DOLLAR BABY*****
THE AVIATOR*****
VERA DRAKE****
and since I don't have time to review them here, I'll just say what he said.

Where are my priorities?

I keep checking my own blog thinking, "Why is there no new news here?" Apparently, I am the only person who is going to write here so it is up to me.

Sadly, the new term has begun and I am taking two great courses and one useless, boring class. I would go into great detail here but knowing how fascinating the topic of library school is to people who have never been there I don't want to throw anyone into a frenzy of jealousy. I'll just say that if you suffer from insomnia - run out quickly and purchase the riveting best seller Wynar's Introduction to Cataloging and Classification it will solve your sleep problems immediately.

Here in New England people seem to be excited about some sort of football match. Apparently it is a big deal. I am pleased because dozens of students have informed me that they will not be at school today because they feel sick and are hoping to be affected by the restorative powers of the Patriots "rolling rally". Which is local Boston politic speak for "If we keep the players moving, it is less likely that the fans will flip cars over and start smashing into one another.

I have a big job interview today so I had better go prepare.

Image issue

Big_Wonder_Woman
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I really wonder what the circumstances were surrounding this photo. I was going to post on the Academy Award nominations and while I was looking for a little Oscar (tm) icon I happened upon this.

I love the hair the very most, but the visible underwear (which is HUGE at the high school, but huge in a different way than illustrated here - I'll post on that someday) adds a great deal to the overall vibe. And the look on her face is one that I see in the mirror frequently. And while there is a very good chance that this is a man, I love her anyway.

It puts me in mind of last night's episode of American Idol which was more entertaining that I had been led to believe it would be. I watched the final 12 last year and enjoyed it a lot. To the point of obsession if you ask the men I live with. But I had no real interest in the cruelty of the culling of the herd at the beginning of the season. And yet there was NOTHING on, so I just cracked open the door of shame and flipped on FOX.

One of the two people I liked was a woman about my size who sang beautifully. I mean she had a really tuneful, smooth and unique voice. And Randy liked her and chose her right away. And then Kenny Loggins said - "Well, there is a bit of an image problem." Which I thought was a very delicate way of saying - "I thought you told me no fatties!" But her talent outweighed (heh heh heh) her girth. And as Randy said, "It worked for Reuben."

Which cracked me up that he even thinks the tiniest bit that fat men are subjected to the same amount of judgment that fat women are. Not to minimize the "victim-hood" of the fat man. [And I must pause to say that I am not a "Fat Avenger!" (tm) it is just a thing of which I have been accused of being "too". I don't ascribe to the idea that being fat gives you the right to special treatment only that people deserve decent treatment regardless of their BMI.] And the sense of shame that is systematically bred into women about their imperfect bodies means that a woman who is 5 pounds "overweight" is judged (if not by society - frequently by herself) the same way as a man who is 25 pounds overweight.

But back to American Idol - there was a cute little 20-ish boy who sang "I Just Can't Wait to be King" with a really nice pop-friendly voice and they didn't give him the tiniest bit of notice because - as we all know - people can only do one thing and if you can sing crappy musical theatre numbers there is no way in hell you can sing crappy pop songs!

Shaggy pre-adolescent pop music

switchfoot
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

These rebels are the very popular (at least at my son's middle school) band SWITCHFOOT. They ROCK, apparently. I've heard better.

It is amazing to me that my son is in middle school. He has a girlfriend with whom he eats lunch. He listens to his own music. His best friend has a zit. His feet are nearly the same size as mine (and I have huge walk-on-water feet) and he is up to my nose. He loves REM and Green Day. And his decrepit mother doesn't even know if it is Green Day or Greenday. Jour vert, if you will...

I was deep in sappy mama love today as I watched him sing along with Switchfoot's rockin' son GONE. He knows all the words and has that rock star head-bob already. He is just so beautiful I can't even believe it.

What surprises me is that he actually seem to know the words to all these songs. I am famous for (among other things) my inability to decipher song lyrics. Someday I will post about other things for which I am famous.

Best Christmas present EVER!

best gift ever
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

This is the decorative tissue box cover I got at an awesome Yankee Swap a couple of weeks ago. It is hanging on a nail on the wall of my living room. I love it THAT MUCH!

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to pick corn next to a never ending supply of giant tissues.

Soft, cuddly giant tissues. Mmmmmm...

This box has inspired investigation into the strange twisted world of tissue box covers. Beware, here there be pop-ups.

Virtually unchanged since 1966-

babybarby
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

I think it is time to post a picture of myself. I look very much the same today - including the little pink drool rash on my chin. (What can I say, I am a sound sleeper...)

I was mistaken for a blonde yesterday at work. I was shocked! My co-worker's son came in and he had spray painted his hair black for a school spirit related reason that was not entirely clear to me. He said that the fumes were getting to him and opined, "They say blondes are dumb, but I think the dark haired are worse."

So I piped up, "What did you say, young man!" ready to leap to the defense of my dark haired community.

He said, "I didn't mean that blonds are dumb!" (He was quivering in his wee boots in response to my fury.)

And suddenly I erupted in girlish giggles, "Do you think I am a (hee hee) BLONDE?"

He was pretty much just looking for an exit at this point. "Um...sure?"

I explained that if nature had its way I would be dark haired. Or more accurately - slightly silvery haired. I said, "I kind of feel complimented in a very shallow way."

I think we all learned a very valuable lesson. (This is what my spouse said when I gently elbowed him in a very sensitive place in response to a teasing yet unexpected pinch on a nearly equally sensitive place.) He is wicked funny.

My very best friend

mo&co
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

This is a picture of my very best friend and her beautiful children. I have many special friends but she is the most special of all. Do you know why? Because she is brilliant, funny and when she thinks of me she pictures a 24 year old hippie chick.

Usually I wouldn't post pictures of kids on this site (certainly not my own) because - I don't know - maybe I really do take all those "internet safety" lectures that I give students seriously. But my BFF (pictured) and her spawn (who one day - when my friend finally snaps and has to do a little time in the big house for rising up against some act of human stupidity - will be mine!) live very very very far away. And you can't trace her back to me. Even if you follow me around.

And isn't their house pretty? I have never visited - but it looks nice.

Snow day

mess
Originally uploaded by brunhildecrow.

Not only are my children home - they have each invited a friend over. So there are two "teams" if you will. Joyful cries of "This is MY playdate!" and "Die, crumb!" ring through the house.

My favorite quote of the day came from the 6 year old guest. When he was offered clam chowder for lunch he said, "That would be fine thanks, I can work around the clams."

My theory is that it is easier to have 2 friends over than none. This way the spawn aren't dependent upon each other (or worse yet - me) to entertain them.

We are having hamburgers tonight - the really good ones my aunt sends from Omaha Steaks - I often wonder how she thinks we live. Well, if she were to read this blog she would surely think - "Aha, squalor!" Thank you George Foreman for you grill. And speaking of eating - in my tireless quest to post a link in every blog entry I give you the most amazing display of very unique foods.

It makes life worth living and television worth watching.

In my attempt to try every new skill taught to me by my blogging Mr Miyagi, Hillary, I present (hopefully) a live link to my really not all that guilty tv pleasure.

Beware - you can get sucked in for hours. Or rather, I can. Most people have far more self control than I do.